The cool thing about actually being involved in weddings, as opposed as to being one of the ‘invited guests’, is being able to boss others around while wearing the same outfits. Sad but I milk my infrequent power trips for what it’s worth, as you can see.
So one girlfriend down, a couple more to go.
Times like this I get mixed feelings about everything. I can’t make up my mind whether to run away, far far away from here so they’ll ‘never take me alive’ or just submerge myself in The Way Things Are and hope for the best. I am rather weary at the moment from the internal debate. And this bleakness inside that I am trying hard to ignore.
Culture. Tradition. Progress. Obligation. It is possible to strike a balance, isn’t it?
It’s ironic that after agonizing over how much I miss him being himself, I found that all this while I was actually talking about myself. He was never lost. He knew himself more than I thought I did. Pathetic little girl, I keep thinking these days. I am someone who is in sore need of a compass or a dog eared map. Anything. What is keep me afloat these days? Pain in the gym. Pain from stretching and pulling and running and lifting and pain from all that pushes away the world for a moment.
I think this job I’m in is really getting the better of me these days. Though I hate to admit that my work has intertwined with my identity, knowing that I’m not as good as I think really stings.
I look forward to the end.
The truth is difficult but pretense is not my cuppa tea. We’ve gone beyond being afraid to speak out because we might hurt each other irreparably. No, there is no more fear. But this stepping stone leads to another equally challenging path.
I say I don’t know who I’m with anymore sometimes. The person who used to be seems faded and lost within his responsibilities and obligations. I say it’s ok to work hard but not to the bone. He says it’s fine I will be fine but his eyes are almost dead and it hurts to be this helpless. It’s something he needs to figure on his own. I will just be here if he needs me.
These days I don’t write here much because there are no more secrets to hide. I am almost tempted to write as I am.
(via ohjoy)
We are fine now. As fine as the quiet lull between vicious storms can be. I am already wondering when the next dark moments will crawl under my skin again. You know, for a while there I thought this is it, this is the end. You said the ball is in my court and that you weren’t expecting much anymore. I was surprised it didn’t hurt as much as I thought it would, but then I realized I wasn’t even feeling anything. You could have sliced me into ribbons and still I would not have felt anything. Just a ringing, welcome numbness that helped me through my days. I was almost pleased that you felt the change in me. But what of it? What now?
Let’s try again.
Are we being brave? Or are we desperate to cling onto our gut instincts? Can intuition be mistaken for something else? Will I be able to overcome myself and just be? Are we deserving of each other? Will I accept you and us and the loud silence in between?
I think…no…I will just do as my heart says.
XOXO
(via underthesheets)
I saw this and realized I miss you. Not in the ordinary hey-i-wish-you’re-around way. More like the bone deep knowledge that I haven’t really let myself love you and us way. It feels a bit sad. Bad. I wish I could just enjoy it and not complicate everything. I want to kiss you again and again and again and again and again.Is it too late to go back, you think? xoxo
